Driving Under the Influence of Zumba
Today at 8:43pm
Zumba: A latin & Hip Hop based aerobic dance class that originated in Miami.
I attended a Zumba class at Gold's and the teacher was a fill in. I stalked her and found that her home gym was the Y. I attended her class at the Y this past Saturday afternoon. I walked into the crowded studio and claimed a spot in the rear. The music started and I began pumpin' it. A foul smell reached my nose that I can only describe as a cross between onion, cumin, ass and elbow. I started doing the discreet body odor check on myself (it was a late August afternoon, after all). Dancing, I did the armpit sniff- nope all good. The next check was more tricky so I took advantage of a deep bend, nope- not bad there either. I was fully concerned that it was me and I started contorting myself and doing the scratch and sniff getting so enthralled in the search that I didn't realize we were at a pause and everyone was watching me in the mirrors look like I was having a make out session with myself. I was mortified. The music started and I was satisfied that the lady next to me was the one giving off the smell of chicken fried crotch and onions. The damage had been done- I was the weird one in class...
Leaving quickly when the class was over I jumped into the car and backed out. I didn't see the curb and sidewalk next to my car and BANG!!!!!! I was up on the curb and SCREEEETCH I dragged the car over the sidewalk until BAM!! I came off of it. The wide eyed people in the parking lot were grabbing younguns' like a wild bear was loose and they were glaring at me like I was a Amy Winehouse leaving a cocktail party. I navigated the car to the red light as it dragged the front end home like a plastic blanket. I can't wait til next Saturday!
Monday, August 31, 2009
Friday, August 28, 2009
Chicken in da' House
Chicken in the House
I live in subdivision row...I live on the very tippy-top of Lakeland. From my front yard I can see the power plant, the tall ride thingy from Cypress Gardens and a bunch of other stuff. I live within a short walk of at least 8 of my FB/LHS friends. I said all of that to describe that I do not live on a farm....Yesterday I came home from working and threw open all the doors to the rear of the house because the weather was warm and the dogs could go freely in an out. I piddled and plundered around for a bit and ended up back in my own room and then to my powder room. When I came out of the powder room the dogs were going nuts like there was a robber in the house. They were snarling and barking and howling up a storm and I was scared! I grabbed the only weapon I could find in the bedroom (a long-handled personal back massager). In hindsight...what was I going to do to the intruder...? I slowly opened the door and in the middle of the living room and there was a rooster! The dogs were nipping at it and there were freakin' feathers everywhere! My first though was, "There better NOT be any chicken poop anywhere or I'm gonna lose my mind!" I took the long-handled personal massager and turned it on- that got the dogs to runnin' out the back. I closed all the doors to keep the dogs out. Now it was just me and the chicken... I opened the front door (which faces a busy Harrell's Nursery Rd) and I personally massaged that chicken right outside and to the road. This took about 10 minutes and I know at least 100 people drove by thinking I was out of my mind. I'm surprised PETA didn't show up- but I would have been glad if they did! The chicken chose to stay on the sidewalk and started walking.. (He is on a busy walk-trail so I guess he figured he might as well get his cardio in). So, if you see a half-feathered chicken walking the sidewalk up here, you'll know he had briefly stayed with me on a warm friday afternoon.
(The dogs, however, are pissed that their new screech toy is gone)...
I live in subdivision row...I live on the very tippy-top of Lakeland. From my front yard I can see the power plant, the tall ride thingy from Cypress Gardens and a bunch of other stuff. I live within a short walk of at least 8 of my FB/LHS friends. I said all of that to describe that I do not live on a farm....Yesterday I came home from working and threw open all the doors to the rear of the house because the weather was warm and the dogs could go freely in an out. I piddled and plundered around for a bit and ended up back in my own room and then to my powder room. When I came out of the powder room the dogs were going nuts like there was a robber in the house. They were snarling and barking and howling up a storm and I was scared! I grabbed the only weapon I could find in the bedroom (a long-handled personal back massager). In hindsight...what was I going to do to the intruder...? I slowly opened the door and in the middle of the living room and there was a rooster! The dogs were nipping at it and there were freakin' feathers everywhere! My first though was, "There better NOT be any chicken poop anywhere or I'm gonna lose my mind!" I took the long-handled personal massager and turned it on- that got the dogs to runnin' out the back. I closed all the doors to keep the dogs out. Now it was just me and the chicken... I opened the front door (which faces a busy Harrell's Nursery Rd) and I personally massaged that chicken right outside and to the road. This took about 10 minutes and I know at least 100 people drove by thinking I was out of my mind. I'm surprised PETA didn't show up- but I would have been glad if they did! The chicken chose to stay on the sidewalk and started walking.. (He is on a busy walk-trail so I guess he figured he might as well get his cardio in). So, if you see a half-feathered chicken walking the sidewalk up here, you'll know he had briefly stayed with me on a warm friday afternoon.
(The dogs, however, are pissed that their new screech toy is gone)...
Thursday, August 27, 2009
Vaginal Rejeuvination
When you've run out of lips, boobs, eyes, faces, tummies and asses; the next logical body part to enhance with plastic surgery must be the vajayjay! SO here's how I am imagining this all went down: Two plastic surgeons sitting on the yacht on a Sunday, drinking Black T's and feeling good. One looks at the others trophy wife and says, "Hey, dude...Bambi is looking hot! She doesn't look a day over 18!" The other replies, I know! We just had our 15th anniversary and she just turned 40! But.... her kitty is looking like two slices of lunchmeat laying on a plate."Taking pen to cocktail napkin, the boys hammered out a plan to snip and sculpt Bambi's good-n-plenty into tip -top shape. Bambi was pleased with the results, however she is numb from the procedure..but hey- whatever makes him happy, right?
Cooter rejuves $4000.00, feeling a tingle...priceless
Cooter rejuves $4000.00, feeling a tingle...priceless
What Cougars REALLY Want
Why I Don't Write Eroticism AKA: What Cougars Really Want
While trying to get some of my notes published as excerpts or short stories in humor I was approached by a publisher who asked me to try my hand at erotic stories. I labored over a short story for two days. It was painful. I submitted it and it was rejected... I wonder why?My story started out with Blake and Edna who had known each other for the appropriate length of time (10 minutes) that it takes to get a hott story going. Obviously he was the pizza delivery man. (You know, something fresh and new). Edna answers the door in sweats. Blake is standing there with his hot box of yummy when Edna bitches at him to come in already because he's letting all the a/c out! Blake puts the pie down and asks if she'd like a hot bread stick to go with the order and she snipes back at him to lay off the hints about her weight and how cruel he is to introduce MORE carbs to the situation!Blake tries to clear a space on the large coffeetable suitable for lovemaking but can't get past the stacks of scrapbooking piles and home and garden magazines to clear a spot. Edna catches Blake trying to clear a spot and yells, "Goddammit...it took me all night after Grey's Anatomy to get that organized!"Redirecting his desire to Edna, Blake touches her gently on the shoulder and begins to lean in when a vibration is felt between the two. Edna whips her phone out of her pocket and checks her facebook updates. Edna breaks her gaze from the screen and suddenly remembers why Blake was there and clicks her tongue with an exacerbation for him to leave. Edna gave Blake a piercing glare and asked him where the free chocolate lava cake was and paid him. Edna has finished with Blake.
While trying to get some of my notes published as excerpts or short stories in humor I was approached by a publisher who asked me to try my hand at erotic stories. I labored over a short story for two days. It was painful. I submitted it and it was rejected... I wonder why?My story started out with Blake and Edna who had known each other for the appropriate length of time (10 minutes) that it takes to get a hott story going. Obviously he was the pizza delivery man. (You know, something fresh and new). Edna answers the door in sweats. Blake is standing there with his hot box of yummy when Edna bitches at him to come in already because he's letting all the a/c out! Blake puts the pie down and asks if she'd like a hot bread stick to go with the order and she snipes back at him to lay off the hints about her weight and how cruel he is to introduce MORE carbs to the situation!Blake tries to clear a space on the large coffeetable suitable for lovemaking but can't get past the stacks of scrapbooking piles and home and garden magazines to clear a spot. Edna catches Blake trying to clear a spot and yells, "Goddammit...it took me all night after Grey's Anatomy to get that organized!"Redirecting his desire to Edna, Blake touches her gently on the shoulder and begins to lean in when a vibration is felt between the two. Edna whips her phone out of her pocket and checks her facebook updates. Edna breaks her gaze from the screen and suddenly remembers why Blake was there and clicks her tongue with an exacerbation for him to leave. Edna gave Blake a piercing glare and asked him where the free chocolate lava cake was and paid him. Edna has finished with Blake.
The Rack
The Rack
A couple of years ago the hubs decided we needed a new bed because his back hurt upon waking. We had a very nice raised king pillowtop that was only a few years old and I loved it but he had just had a hip replacement and it was too squishy for him. (yes, a hip replacement). The hubs picks out a dual adjustable temperpedic bed which is basicly two twin beds on wheels complete with a grab bar at the foot of the bed for moving them (like a friggin hospital bed!) They are electric and can move like a recliner -just like the old people on the commercial. I know I should be grateful, but I wasn't even 40 when they came to live with us- these twin old people pre-coffin, libido dampening bastards that they are. When I change the sheets I see the foot bar. It is low to the floor (so old people can get in and out of them without busting a hip- I'm sure). To boot, this beast was so expensive we had to take a second mortgage out on it!Our dogs sleep with us and the other night I hear one gagging..."OH GOD! NOT ON THE BED!!!" (Hubs screamed in the dark). Obviously his paralysis had set in again so I body lifted the 65 pound dog over my head in one movement so the bed wouldn't be puked on...Lord, we must save the bed!Sometimes when I get mad at the hubs I say, "You'd better straighten your ass up or I will unplug my bed and wheel it right outta here!I'm sure that the Clapper and the Lifeline button are in my immediate future... we already have the walker, bedside commode and cane in the attic....
A couple of years ago the hubs decided we needed a new bed because his back hurt upon waking. We had a very nice raised king pillowtop that was only a few years old and I loved it but he had just had a hip replacement and it was too squishy for him. (yes, a hip replacement). The hubs picks out a dual adjustable temperpedic bed which is basicly two twin beds on wheels complete with a grab bar at the foot of the bed for moving them (like a friggin hospital bed!) They are electric and can move like a recliner -just like the old people on the commercial. I know I should be grateful, but I wasn't even 40 when they came to live with us- these twin old people pre-coffin, libido dampening bastards that they are. When I change the sheets I see the foot bar. It is low to the floor (so old people can get in and out of them without busting a hip- I'm sure). To boot, this beast was so expensive we had to take a second mortgage out on it!Our dogs sleep with us and the other night I hear one gagging..."OH GOD! NOT ON THE BED!!!" (Hubs screamed in the dark). Obviously his paralysis had set in again so I body lifted the 65 pound dog over my head in one movement so the bed wouldn't be puked on...Lord, we must save the bed!Sometimes when I get mad at the hubs I say, "You'd better straighten your ass up or I will unplug my bed and wheel it right outta here!I'm sure that the Clapper and the Lifeline button are in my immediate future... we already have the walker, bedside commode and cane in the attic....
Monday, August 17, 2009
Damned Geese
These are true stories people! I had been saving old bread and crackers for the ducks at Lake Hollingsworth. I have forgotten the goods everytime I have ben lately so I gathered it all up before work today and decided to make it my first stop (so the heat and humidity wouldn't make my car smell). 8 a.m. and I am down atthe lake with full on makeup, work clothes (dressy) and my loot. I get out of the car and the entire heard starts coming my way like there's a sale on butts at Asses-R-Us! Here I am, tossing popcorn, crackers and tidbits out as fast as I can and the crowd gets BIGGER. Now there's noise and these bitches are getting too close! They surround me: Geese, ducks, water chickens, egrets, mocking birds and a few seagulls. The geese have now circled me and trapped me between two cars and my own carkeys are on my hood- and I can't get to them.I feel a burning on my ass and thigh and immediately think that I have been shot! I swish around and the geese are biting me! I panic and am sweating like a meth addict, hair all a mess. Frantically, I have kicked off my heels and am trying to hoist my ass to the roof of the car but I am wearing satin and slide off exposing myself from the waist down. In addition to the attack birds there is also a growing "people" crowd (must have been all my screaming that drew them in).Finally a lady with two fat boxers comes up and says, "My dogs will scare them off!" They did and I was so grateful! I left my empty bread bags right in the grass , pulled my clothes back on and jumped in my car like Bo and Luke Duke and went to work.From now on those bitches can starve!
Saturday, August 8, 2009
Mothering Animals
What in the hell am I doing with 3 dogs?
All of my life, on and off, I have owned one dog at a time (for 40 years). Always a small dog. I currently own 3 dogs. Here are the names, titles, and descriptions of the criminals in fur.
Benji: "The Announcer" Breed: Maltese- 8 pounds. The oldest (he is 8). We got Benji from an old couple who lived in a mobile home who had to move to assisted living. When Benji lived with this couple he was a quiet little thing. The moment he came to our house he developed a shrill bark that he constantly uses to let us and the other dogs know that a person has jogged by, the mail has come, the wind has blown, a bird has flown by, the a/c has cut on, the a/c has cut off, the ice maker has dumped ice, the dryer has a jacket with a zipper in it, the cake timer has gone off. Benji is a pain in the ass. Benji growls when touched. He hates to be picked up or loved on. Benji hates the other 2 dogs who inherently love him beyond measure. Benji is an asshole and we love him.
Bailey: "The Beast" Breed: Golden Doodle- 65 pounds and over 6 ft tall when standing on 2 legs- Not 2 years old yet. Bailey is a cream colored curly doodle that only has one expression- serious. Bailey absolutely loves everyone and would point out the large screen TV and computers to a burglar and offer to help drag the items to the van for a treat. Bailey eats socks. About three times a week I scrape a digested sock off the grass and wonder how that feels to poop out. Bailey drinks until he pukes every day-he hasn't figured it out. Bailey counter-surfs which means he waits until my back is turned and stands up to the kitchen counter (like a human) and can open the bread box, take the bread out and eat a loaf (plastic and all). Bailey is aloof and a goof and we love him.
Mocha: "The best dog ever" Chocolate Golden Doodle- 25 pounds ,silky haired variety 7 months old. Mocha came to me as a gift- I didn't have to pay the $2000 she costs. Mocha is light as a feather when she jumps on you it feels like a silky whisper. Mocha is my peace. Mocha craps on my yoga mat about twice a week. I don't know why. Mocha sees a paper napkin and an alarm goes off in her head that screams, "GET THAT GOD DAMNED NAPKIN AND SHRED IT INTO A MILLION PIECES QUICKLY BEFORE IT KILLS US ALL!!!!! HURRY!!!" Mocha wants Benji to like her so badly- she tries to win him over without any success every day. Mocha is an angel in a dog suit and we love her.
My house is filled with dogs and dog toys, barks and dog play/fights..and I am so glad.
All of my life, on and off, I have owned one dog at a time (for 40 years). Always a small dog. I currently own 3 dogs. Here are the names, titles, and descriptions of the criminals in fur.
Benji: "The Announcer" Breed: Maltese- 8 pounds. The oldest (he is 8). We got Benji from an old couple who lived in a mobile home who had to move to assisted living. When Benji lived with this couple he was a quiet little thing. The moment he came to our house he developed a shrill bark that he constantly uses to let us and the other dogs know that a person has jogged by, the mail has come, the wind has blown, a bird has flown by, the a/c has cut on, the a/c has cut off, the ice maker has dumped ice, the dryer has a jacket with a zipper in it, the cake timer has gone off. Benji is a pain in the ass. Benji growls when touched. He hates to be picked up or loved on. Benji hates the other 2 dogs who inherently love him beyond measure. Benji is an asshole and we love him.
Bailey: "The Beast" Breed: Golden Doodle- 65 pounds and over 6 ft tall when standing on 2 legs- Not 2 years old yet. Bailey is a cream colored curly doodle that only has one expression- serious. Bailey absolutely loves everyone and would point out the large screen TV and computers to a burglar and offer to help drag the items to the van for a treat. Bailey eats socks. About three times a week I scrape a digested sock off the grass and wonder how that feels to poop out. Bailey drinks until he pukes every day-he hasn't figured it out. Bailey counter-surfs which means he waits until my back is turned and stands up to the kitchen counter (like a human) and can open the bread box, take the bread out and eat a loaf (plastic and all). Bailey is aloof and a goof and we love him.
Mocha: "The best dog ever" Chocolate Golden Doodle- 25 pounds ,silky haired variety 7 months old. Mocha came to me as a gift- I didn't have to pay the $2000 she costs. Mocha is light as a feather when she jumps on you it feels like a silky whisper. Mocha is my peace. Mocha craps on my yoga mat about twice a week. I don't know why. Mocha sees a paper napkin and an alarm goes off in her head that screams, "GET THAT GOD DAMNED NAPKIN AND SHRED IT INTO A MILLION PIECES QUICKLY BEFORE IT KILLS US ALL!!!!! HURRY!!!" Mocha wants Benji to like her so badly- she tries to win him over without any success every day. Mocha is an angel in a dog suit and we love her.
My house is filled with dogs and dog toys, barks and dog play/fights..and I am so glad.
Gettin' The Zap
Why I'm Dreading Monday
I'm gonna lay it out right here for ya girls....don't go havin' any laser hair removal. Monday I go ...again! I signed up six years ago thinking it was just for a year but it's like the freaking groundhog day movie...they keep making appointments for me! I initially went to get a little eyebrow and underarm work done but one thing led to another and the nurse practitioner imposed her "cash and prizes" on me and exclaimed to me that I simply MUST get it and be like all the other cool girls...Six years later I am still going every 10 weeks and experiencing the naked pain that I equate with having my ass stapled to an exam table. At first they tell you, "It may be a little hot.." HOT!?!?!! Oh my god, I am a target for fire in a tube! It is a full-on perineal bbq, sistas! The heat pain is so intense they offer a numbing cream and a stress ball. I like my pain raw so I forego the cream (you have to put it on an hour in advance and lay plastic wrap over it....sorry, I ain't cling wrappin' my junk for nobody! (Also, who wants to walk around sounding like you are wearing glad-bag under britches?! ) I haven't figured out the stress ball relief thingy..I just pound it on my forehead and pray for a smooth session. My nurse is cool- I let her know right away that I would be the patient that would floor her every ten weeks and I have lived up to my promise. The deal is: She zaps an zaps quickly and when we meet on the streets we do not speak of this thing we endure every 10 weeks...which is Monday...did I mention?
Tips for successful Laser sessions:
1.) No taco bell the day of or the day before.
2.) It isn't a good idea to be funny and draw fake tatoos and messages on your body parts.
3.) Bring cookies
4.) Take vallium and cocktails before you go- they are gonna see things your GYN hasn't seen and you may need to be tipsy.
5.) Don't get full out drunk- you have to be able to flip yourself on the chair without falling off
6.) Never allow anyone to show you the full monty...you will want it!
7.) You have more hair than you think you do.
8.) Wear your good undies
9.) Be nice-they'll talk about you less if you're nice.
I'm gonna lay it out right here for ya girls....don't go havin' any laser hair removal. Monday I go ...again! I signed up six years ago thinking it was just for a year but it's like the freaking groundhog day movie...they keep making appointments for me! I initially went to get a little eyebrow and underarm work done but one thing led to another and the nurse practitioner imposed her "cash and prizes" on me and exclaimed to me that I simply MUST get it and be like all the other cool girls...Six years later I am still going every 10 weeks and experiencing the naked pain that I equate with having my ass stapled to an exam table. At first they tell you, "It may be a little hot.." HOT!?!?!! Oh my god, I am a target for fire in a tube! It is a full-on perineal bbq, sistas! The heat pain is so intense they offer a numbing cream and a stress ball. I like my pain raw so I forego the cream (you have to put it on an hour in advance and lay plastic wrap over it....sorry, I ain't cling wrappin' my junk for nobody! (Also, who wants to walk around sounding like you are wearing glad-bag under britches?! ) I haven't figured out the stress ball relief thingy..I just pound it on my forehead and pray for a smooth session. My nurse is cool- I let her know right away that I would be the patient that would floor her every ten weeks and I have lived up to my promise. The deal is: She zaps an zaps quickly and when we meet on the streets we do not speak of this thing we endure every 10 weeks...which is Monday...did I mention?
Tips for successful Laser sessions:
1.) No taco bell the day of or the day before.
2.) It isn't a good idea to be funny and draw fake tatoos and messages on your body parts.
3.) Bring cookies
4.) Take vallium and cocktails before you go- they are gonna see things your GYN hasn't seen and you may need to be tipsy.
5.) Don't get full out drunk- you have to be able to flip yourself on the chair without falling off
6.) Never allow anyone to show you the full monty...you will want it!
7.) You have more hair than you think you do.
8.) Wear your good undies
9.) Be nice-they'll talk about you less if you're nice.
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