Gettin' The Zap

Why I'm Dreading Monday

I'm gonna lay it out right here for ya girls....don't go havin' any laser hair removal. Monday I go ...again! I signed up six years ago thinking it was just for a year but it's like the freaking groundhog day movie...they keep making appointments for me! I initially went to get a little eyebrow and underarm work done but one thing led to another and the nurse practitioner imposed her "cash and prizes" on me and exclaimed to me that I simply MUST get it and be like all the other cool girls...Six years later I am still going every 10 weeks and experiencing the naked pain that I equate with having my ass stapled to an exam table. At first they tell you, "It may be a little hot.." HOT!?!?!! Oh my god, I am a target for fire in a tube! It is a full-on perineal bbq, sistas! The heat pain is so intense they offer a numbing cream and a stress ball. I like my pain raw so I forego the cream (you have to put it on an hour in advance and lay plastic wrap over it....sorry, I ain't cling wrappin' my junk for nobody! (Also, who wants to walk around sounding like you are wearing glad-bag under britches?! ) I haven't figured out the stress ball relief thingy..I just pound it on my forehead and pray for a smooth session. My nurse is cool- I let her know right away that I would be the patient that would floor her every ten weeks and I have lived up to my promise. The deal is: She zaps an zaps quickly and when we meet on the streets we do not speak of this thing we endure every 10 weeks...which is Monday...did I mention?
Tips for successful Laser sessions:
1.) No taco bell the day of or the day before.
2.) It isn't a good idea to be funny and draw fake tatoos and messages on your body parts.
3.) Bring cookies
4.) Take vallium and cocktails before you go- they are gonna see things your GYN hasn't seen and you may need to be tipsy.
5.) Don't get full out drunk- you have to be able to flip yourself on the chair without falling off
6.) Never allow anyone to show you the full monty...you will want it!
7.) You have more hair than you think you do.
8.) Wear your good undies
9.) Be nice-they'll talk about you less if you're nice.